Everyone needs to love and to be loved. Yet we can often forget that the it’s just as important to love ourselves. The lack of self-love can be devastating. I know.
My mum left one day and never returned. It sounds dramatic and considering I was a very young child when she abandoned me, you would imagine it to be traumatic. Actually at the time, it wasn’t. I trusted her completely; so when we sat on our favourite bench in the park as we had done so many times before, and she told me to “Wait there”, I did. I never doubted that she would come back because I was secure in the knowledge that my mum loved me.
It was only later that it began to dawn on me that something was terribly wrong. Any time I mentioned my mum to my father who was now ‘looking after’ me, my questions were dismissed. There was no information, no reassurances, nothing. Being only an infant, making sense of it was impossible and I did what most children do when there is no explanation. I blamed myself completely.
My dominating and manipulating father recognised the need for love in my life, but his brand of ‘love’ came at a price. As for my mother, the absence of her physical presence was manageable. However, the absence of her emotional love was unbearable. By the time I was a teenager I knew with certainty that I wasn’t going to be loved just for being me and branded myself as ‘unlovable’. Not only by others. But crucially by myself. So started my downward spiral of self-destruct.
Love me? Love me not? Who cared? 
A life time battle with depression commenced, only to be exacerbated by my dependency on vodka which I affectionately named ‘The Hurt Healer’. My adult life developed into a series of harmful relationships, alcoholism and a death wish. All of this I believe stemmed from the fact that I had no ability or inclination to love myself.
Amazingly, there came a turning point in my life. Completely addicted and full self-hatred I decided that suicide was my only option. It was nothing short of a miracle that I survived so with the tiniest amount of strength that I had left in me, I decided to reclaim my life, my faith and with it my identity.
Crucially, instead of looking for love from others, and looking for love in others I started with myself. It wasn’t easy! And it took time! My faith told me I was loved unconditionally. That concept was much easier to grasp than the idea of a human being loving me, but it was still difficult to actually feel. Grasping tightly to the little speck of loving in my mind, I made baby steps towards accepting myself and believing that I had some worth. With some amazing support I learnt that it was okay to love ‘me’.
Eventually I started to reach out to others. And in turn they reciprocated. Today I celebrate a life of sobriety filled with the most wonderfully supportive friends, a caring husband and two fantastic daughters whom I love unconditionally.
I understand that sometimes it’s easier to give affection and appreciation to others than to ourselves, but perhaps it’s time for some self-love.
Do you ‘Love you?’ or ‘Love you not?’
“Love loves to love love.” – James Joyce, Ulysses
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What a powerful story! Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you Mandy for your support and encouragment!
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Thank you Sally for your nomination from Bruce and Sally Witt at http://bruceandsallywitt.wordpress.com/. Look forward to doing this in a future post!
What an important lesson to learn, and your advice is very sage. So many women lose sight of what is good about themselves.
That is so true Sadie that we spend so much time focusing on the negative that we forget what makes us so wonderfully unique.
Carolyn, I love how your story is about redemption. If you love yourself like the way you are talking about, then you are thanking God for the glory of His creation! We are fearfully & WONDERFULLY MADE!!! Always bless your body & love yourself like God does!
What positive and inspiring comments. They are very much appreciated. Thank you!
Carolyn, thank you for being so open and sharing your healing from such a painful past. The truth is, we all have stuff we get over, no matter what those feelings stem from originally. We are all a work in progress. Thank God for His grace, mercy, and love!
Couldn’t agree with you more Jessica. A work in progress is exactly how I would describe myself!
What an amazing story! I’m so glad you are sharing with others who will truly benefit from your experience!
Thank you Betsy for your encouragement and supportive words
Wonderfully, truthful post, Carolyn. We all fight our own thoughts and perceptions, don’t we? Whether they are correct or not, they still form who we become and who we believe we are. I believe each one of us will be a work in progress until we see Jesus. I know I have a long way to go yet. I enjoy your posts…always!
Mary, you’ve hit the nail on the head when you point out that it doesn’t matter whether our thoughts and perceptions are correct or not because they form us anyway. Realising that those thoughts can be changed can free ourselves from the negativity and help us be the person we were intended to be!
Delighted that you always enjoy my posts!
When I saw the title I thought, ‘Hmm, easier said than done!’ But there’s no easy throwaway here – a really thoughtful and interesting post. I like that you talk about relating first to the concept, through faith, because that feels like a bridge from self-loathing to self-loving, which can be a chasm that’s impossible to cross through willpower/affirmations/knowing you want to, etc. People who make it across can be a real resource for others, as you are
Thanks Jenny for the insightful comments! Love your description of crossing the bridge from self-loathing to self-loving. (It’s given me a great idea for another post, which is always handy!)
I’ll look forward to reading that!
Carolyn, I’ve often wondered how many of us actually “get” the ‘love thyself’ message starting from childhood. I suppose some do, but I sure hear more about all of us who had to figure it out. We may come from all sorts of different hurts, but ultimately the journey is the same … and ‘forgiving ourselves’ is the final gatekeeper. Have you found the same thing?
Sharon, I totally agree! So many people have grown up having to figure it out for themselves and have come the same conclusion that forgiving ourselves is the end of one journey and the beginning of another.
Carolyn, how far you have come! What a wonderful and wise story that you have shared with us. Thank you.
Lovely comments Sally, thank you! Everyone has their own journey and and I’m so glad you are here to share mine.
How intense, Carolyn. You have clearly shown a lot of courage in your life and then again to share your story. I’m so glad to hear that you are in such a great place now.
Intense is a such a good word to describe my life sometimes Amy! I appreciate being able to share my story so that others can see that no matter how intense their own lives become that there is always hope for better days.
I always say: Always love yourself first and you’ll see the magic into your life. I do love myself. Thanks for this great article.
I love what you say about loving yourself and seeing the magic in your life Carele. It’s so true!
Amazing and brave post! We do internalize things in such a wrong fashion and age doesn’t seem to really make that any better unless we are actively working on it. Kudos to you!
Thank you Sharon. The way we internalize things, especially as a child can have a detrimental effect on us as adults. But thankfully we can learn to think differently!
Thank you for being so open and sharing your story. We have to learn to love ourselves first because if we don’t that has an impact on everything else in our lives.
Thanks for your comments Helena. Loving ourselves does indeed have a huge impact on everything else if we don’t do that first!
What a wonderful post. Your story is inspiring and I am so glad that you found the love that you deserve. Someone once told me to start looking in the mirror and tell yourself I love you. It was hard at first and made me cry at the lie, but after awhile it sank in. Faith and love in ourself is important. Thanks for sharing!!
Thanks Wendy for your kind comments. So glad that you got past your own negative feelings about yourself when you looked in that mirror and that you can now appreciate your loveliness both outside and in.
Hi Carolyn,
Love this heartfelt post. Your story has stayed with me and I’m happy that you now have found a loving family where you can find the peace and joy that you deserve. Take care.
Thank you Cathy. It’s always rewarding to feel that my writing has made an impact and I really appreciate your comments. Take care!
it makes a big difference in our lives doesn’t it? How we treat ourselves.. It’s the first clue other people have as to how to treat us !
You’re so right Diva! If we treat ourselves right then others will follow. If we act like a doormat, then its easier for people to treat us as such.
Oh wow Carolyn…..I also lost my mom when I was 21..so, I know the feeling to grow up without a mom. You were so much younger though; I applaud you for being you and loving yourself as you are right now. Keep growing and keep reaching out; there are people wh need your message!!
So sorry Olga that you too have suffered the loss of your mom. It’s a tough call. Thank you for your supportive words and encouragement!
What an awesome story, although not easy. When you said “It was nothing short of a miracle that I survived so with the tiniest amount of strength that I had left in me, I decided to reclaim my life, my faith and with it my identity.”, that really resonated with what our mission is. We are advocates to end abuse against women and we have just started our first blog called Creating Sanctuary. Please check it out and follow us to learn information on abuse, survivor stories, the Sanctuary Model, and much more.
Reclaiming your life is not an easy thing especially when things have gotten so out of control. Your strength is an inspiration for women everywhere. We aim to empower women to regain control of their own lives by giving them the tools, strategies and support to leave their abusive situations.
Thank your for your wonderful comments and so pleased to hear of your work with survivors. I will certainly check out your blog and site. It’s great to connect!
Carolyn, my heart goes out to that little girl….big hugs…you have an amazing story, thank you for sharing it. We all must learn to love ourselves…it is a must…great post!
Thank you Sherie for your encouragement. You are right – learning to love ourselves is a must!
Great blog. Very touching and inspiring. Has taken me many years to “love me” to see and know I am worthy. Thank you for sharing your story. You are touching so many lives and it’s an honor to be part of your journey !
Terressa I’m thrilled that you are part of my journey! Glad that you have come to the point of being able to ‘love yourself’. That’s a good place to be!
This is beautiful, Carolyn, and so very, very true. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding us that loving starts with loving ourselves.
Thank you for your kindness Lisa! Loving does indeed start with loving ourselves.
Yes I do love me, but, like you, it has taken a long time to get there. I was conditioned to be seen and not heard and that my opinion didn’t matter and I believed it to be true for many years. Training to be a life coach and an emotion based coach made me see that I am to be heard and seen and that my opinion does matter.
A great blog. Thank you.
Maggie that is why you make such a brilliant life coach! Because you have been there and know what it’s like to feel invisible. I’m glad that everyone can see and hear you now